Morning After

Morning After

After eleven long months of being in the state of paranoia of erratic emotions here I am again, back to my own little self. These time only me. There’s no you, no them, no we and most especially no US. It’s kinda hard when you have pushed yourself to the limits in order for things to be okay again but everything seems not enough. Not good enough. Things simply crash down without any sign of remorse. Just like the line, “I tried so hard to get this far. But in the end it doesn’t really matter”. At this very moment, I still have this awkward feeling about what happened. Though the event was expected, still I think I’m not ready. I’m not ready because maybe I haven’t said all the things I wish I could have said. But because I’m too naïve to hurt other person’s feelings I wasn’t able to utter them.

Second chance, that’s what we’ve got. But unfortunately for the second time around it failed. I was hoping that this time, things will get better for the both of us because eventually, we have learned from our past mistakes and experiences. I was positive about that for a few months we are in. As the time passes by, things got hard. Then it became very complicated. The usual things we ought to do are going less and sad to say going empty. Patience has been my company during the rough times. To stay calm and just wait maybe because there are things more important than the things I crave for. Waiting was never a Herculean task for me. I’m used to it. Waiting is a good choice if you know that there is something for you at the end of the rainbow. What makes waiting hard is that you won’t know when it will end. Still, I chose to wait a ‘lil bit longer.

I was happy at times. That was very significant for me during those eleven long months. I could still remember them clearly. Those were just small stuffs. Small yet it made me smile and believe that things will be fine and it we’ll stay like this longer. If happy times were clearly significant, I share the same thing to those gloomy moments. Moments that there’s nothing I can do but sit idly, wait again, if it gets me I lie in bed and hope that sleep would save me from tears. During these awful moments I know I’m not the good old naïve person I ought to be. I know and can clearly state that I have been the irritated person I can be. I know those moments well. For I know joviality, misery and annoyance intimately. Especially when you said, “She doesn’t like you” followed by “They don’t like you.” I hope I was strong at that time to reply back nicely, “The hell I care with her. She doesn’t know me. They don’t know me.” But of course, I wasn’t able to do that. For I know if I didn’t contain myself that moment I could have started a riot exposing my uneducated self. Now tell me, did I still retaliate like a monster that you used to say?

Of course all things that I feel have a reason. I act what I feel and I feel what I act. There’s no other person telling me to do this and that. Nor got the things I said from a script of a well-known telenovela. It’s not me and it’s not my style so stop your accusations and your lame excuses. I had heard enough and I will never believe in them. I just can’t believe that the happiest moment I had with you was the one thing that you regretted much. Well, I guess you have been like that from the start. I can’t blame you for that. For the past months we are in, I can say that I haven’t known you that much, only gist and pieces of yourself. I tried to be the best person I can be but I think you demand too much. So I’ll be moving forward. I will drown and get stuck if I stayed any longer.

Since things didn’t get well for the both of us, still I thank you for the effort of finding me again. I would be honest to say that I have waited for that moment. I should be grateful to God for letting you share eleven months of my life may they be significant to be accepted or insignificant to be rejected. It would have been great if we could have stayed a little bit longer to reach a year. Yet things will get harder for the both of us if we didn’t end it earlier than expected. This might have been a good start for us though we parted ways tragically. At this very moment I pray that you’re happy with your life and hope all goes well with the people around you.

Eleven months, that’s what you and I had. It’s too late for us to start pretending. Right now, sorry seems to be the hardest word to utter. Maybe later, I’ll be able to say it but rest assured things will never be forgotten and things will never be the same again for you and me.

“I know we had some good times
It's sad but now we gotta say goodbye
You know I love you, I can't deny
I can't say we didn't try to make it work for you and I
I know it hurts so much but it's best for us
Somewhere along this windy road we lost the trust
So I'll walk away so you don't have to see me cry
It's killing me so, why don't you go

So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life, and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated”

2009.02.03