Blog ng Isang Inggitero

As of this moment hindi ko talaga alam kung anong meron sa akin. Feeling ko para akong lumulutang na dikya sa karagatan at walang pakialam kung saan man ako padparin ng alon.
Expected ko naman na ang mangyayari sa amin ni ano na itatago ko n lang sa code name na ADIK. I mean ginusto ko naman talaga na maghiwalay muna kami, ngayon kung ito ba ay panandalian o permanente, hindi ko pa masabi. Medyo meh hang-ups pa ko sa mga bagay na pinaggagagawa ko lately at sa mga bagay na nadiscover ko. Feeling ko kasi ay nauulit na naman ung nakaraan. Parang history repeats itself ba. Ganon.

Mukha namang okay lang kay ADIK (pero ang totoo nasaktan siya), medyo napaisip ako sa sinabi niya na nakapagdecide na ako. Oo nga sinabi ko nga un pero I considered things naman specially his situation. Pero un nga mukhang hindi naman ako makakatagal sa ganitong set-up so bakit ko pa patatagalin? Kaya ayun for the first time in my life, in my relationship life (as if may buhay talaga ang relationship) I called for a break. Ganito pala ang feeling kapag ikaw ang nakipagbreak - my guilt feeling. Pero nangyari na so okay na. Gaya ng una kong blog (Four Horsemen of Confusion) dumating silang lahat ng sabay-sabay at nawala din sa ganong paraan. Nawala na sa akin si ADIK at natanggap ko na din na hindi magiging kami ni Badminton Prince (pero hoping pa din ako na sana..sana talaga..please! please! please!) o ni SC dahil obviously ikakasal na siya. Si Violin naman, eh talaga namang hindi siya dapat kasali, sinali ko lang dahil may ganap siya sa mga naramdaman ko before.

So ayun na nga, nawala na sila – silang lahat. Nadepress ako. Mas lalo pang tumaas ang depression level ko ng makita ko ang karelasyon ni Pucca (codename ulit) at lalo ng kung anu-ano ang pumasok sa utak ko. Feeling ko eh nabuksan ko ang Pandora’s box (dahil Eric ang pangalan ko, so Eric’s box iyon, tama?) at naglabasan na ang lahat ng negative sa mundo para sa akin.

Hindi ko lubos maisip kung panong nakadekwat si Pucca ng ganong karelasyon na parang nanalo sa perya ng isang set ng baso. Halos kalevel na niya ang nanalo ng jackpot sa lotto. Ang o.a. ba? Sige nga ikaw nga isipin mo, sabihin natin na ang jackpot sa lotto ay 20 million pesos iequate natin yan sa lalaki ni Pucca ngayon. 20 million pesos = maputi, matangkad, GWAPO, malinis, lean ang katawan, MAYAMAN, malambing, MATALINO, bata, GWAPO, MAYAMAN at MATALINONG bf ni Pucca! Tignan mo kaya kung anong hitsura ni Pucca! (sorry ang bad ko) I mean grabe! Honestly nainggit talaga ko to the nth level or kung meron pa bang mas oo.a pa sa nth level.

Ngayon naniniwala na talaga ako sa kasabihang, “opposites attract” at sa salitang swerte. Napakaswerte ni Pucca...sobrang swerte. Ngayon kung sasabihin mong inggitero ako bibigyan pa kita ng isang malaking check diyan dahil totoo yun. Buti na lang kahit papaano eh mahal pa din ako ni God kasi kahit may ganon si Pucca, nasa abroad naman ung papa niya. Kung anong ginagawa dun yan ay hindi ko alam. Kung nagkataon na kasama ni Pucca ngayon ang kanyang papa baka nagpakamatay na ako (oh siyempre nagrereact ako ng o.a. hindi ko naman talaga gagawin un).

Minsan naisip ko pangit ba ako? I mean kung tatanungin kita, masasabi mo ba sa akin ng walang alinlangan na hindi ako pangit? Ngayon kung masasabi mo sa akin na hindi ako pangit, eh bakit hanggang ngayon hindi ko nakukuha ung mga gusto ko? Dahil ba sa opposites attract? So ibig nung sabihin dahil hindi ako pangit ayon sa iyo (at alam ko namang hindi ako pangit) ang dapat na maging bf ko ay pangit? Huwag naman masyadong cruel. I deserve to be happy right?
Kailan kaya ako dadaanan ng swerte? Swerte na katulad ng kay Pucca? Alam ko na ang isasagot mo..be patient. Hay...buhay...bilog na bilog.

Written: April 28, 2010

His Four Horsemen of Confusion

Someone in his younger years told him that when it rains, it pours. It surely did mostly that happen in his life. Like when every good event happens, they surely come as if you don't want it to end. Laugh all the way like you just don't care, party hard all night long or just simply be in a state of serenity. So sweet and amazing but eventually everything needs to pass by a pit stop. Same is through when problems arise wherein they come in a multitude like a stampede of bulls in an open graze.

Here they go again. They come like shooting stars in a clear sky. Start countin' baby... one, two, three, four...and so on. They come so sudden and then confusion started to come to life. He said they happen so sudden that he hasn’t even got time to react. They came, four of them like the horsemen of the apocalypse though they were really not that scary as how they were depicted in the bible. Four persons where significant and the rest? Well, he really doesn’t know. The first horseman riding a jet black stallion was always with him and they seem to establish a very good connection as time pass by. His relationship with the first horseman was clear and they were open about it. They enjoy each other’s company in any way possible. Life is easy for him and the first horseman.

Then the second horseman in a golden brown stallion came in a sudden, though not really as abrupt as you could imagine. He was acquainted to the second horseman before they got close with the first one. The thing is, the first one has always been physically present but the second one? Not even a finger was laid on him. They got acquainted by exchanging whispers in the wind aided by a machine. Until suddenly, the second horseman utter a magic spell which he had never expected. So sudden, he got excited and without any sign certainty he gave in. Then alas, a pact was made between him and the second horseman. No physical contact but just plain communication. Then he’s confused.

The third horseman was also physically present but not as close as the first horseman can get. He was introduced to him in a battle in an arena just like how warriors battle it out with any type of monstrosity you could imagine. The third one, in a blinding white stallion, had express things he can’t imagine in their first tryst. Thought the third horseman stands firm and doesn’t let his guard down to anyone he encounters. Time flies and eventually, he managed to understand the ways of the third horseman and is coming close to tame him, but not yet close, almost. He must be running out of luck.

Then the fourth horseman came riding a red-blood stallion and puzzlement starts to get worse. The fourth one being sly and cunning, snitch things to him that made him go into a daze. He tells him to just yearn for something he wanted and hope for them to come into existence. The question is, will yearning do him good or the exact opposite? The fourth one spills half-of-the-truth of the things he wanted to know still leaving him in complete state of uncertainty.

Now he has to endure all this craziness happening to him and hope his impatient being can surpass and eventually put an end to this hubbub before all hell breaks loose. He just wanted to know the truth and eventually things will fall into its rightful place.

Happiness is Sometimes Unexpected.

It should be a tough day today, but I was wrong. It wasn't tough at all as I have dreamed of last last night and what I have imagined. Things flew smoothly today. I was able to say the things I wanted to say to the kids and most importantly to the persons who sent them to my care and tutelage.

I was honest all of the time. Tell the things that they wanted to hear and most of the things that they don't want to hear. Surprisingly, they already knew and confirmed it. It's good to talk to persons who are open. You really don't have to select the right words or terms to say because they would understand what you mean.

I was nervous early in the morning that it feels like it's going to happen for the first time but the truth is it's already the third of it. As I happen to meet them one by one, I manage to collect and compose myself...until she came and I felt like I was a blessing.

I never imagined I could be the person she's talking about. What I mean is that, I am what I am, transparent. What you see is what you get in short. I do things naturally, without someone telling me how to do it or how to go about it.

They say criticism teaches you how to improve more of yourself, it's good, but it's better if they would tell you praises. Something that would make you positive, happy, humble and fulfilled. When she came, it feels like she can't thank enough. She has attributed the positive change of her son to my capability of raising a flock of sheep. I stayed humble but deep within me I was surprised. For me, I was just doing my job and never come to cross my thoughts that it was that significant.

What she have said would remain in my head maybe for eons. It really made me happy and fulfilled and to strive harder in my profession. Maybe not only in my field of expertise but to the things that I would do in the future. I humbly thank her for telling me that I am one of the right persons that should stay here.

Written last March 5, 2010, Friday