.PASCAL 08-09.

The moment this letter came to its existence, our trysts are already numbered. In a fleeting moment, without you noticing it, it will be over. Fate has brought us back together and at the end, fate will also be the one to secede us. A separation that is, and will be irrevocable.

We didn’t start big. All of us were like prisoners confined in our own way of perception about the things around us, about the people around us. I for my part, have fears that longed to be trounced. I never really knew what to do from the start for there was plenty of you that need to be discovered. Though some of you have been part of my dawning year, still, a mass of you is left undiscovered.

The path to discovery was never easy, and much to say not that very accommodating. Inconsistent and frantic schedules, health delinquencies and subject mood swings were the things that encumbered my way towards becoming your full-pledged adviser. I know at the very least, adjustments would play a significant role in this responsibility I am in but I never knew it would be this challenging.

Moments passed and all the angst present seemed to be a routine with me getting used to it. Though still, my health does not jive with what I wanted to, I manage to keep things within my grasp.

Still the earth continued to rotate and to revolve around us. And in each passing day I became familiar with the people or should I say the individual persons I am assigned to be with it. I became more or less wanting to know them even better than just being their teacher…their adviser. It gives me the feeling of wanting them slowly to be more of a friend or a barkada than being a father, a foster father.

I love my class, most especially my Pascal kids. At first, I thought I would have a hard time dealing with them. I thought they would just be the normal, ordinary, insensitive, duty-bound students of a particular school. That we won’t build so much intimate relationship due to the fact that our regular engagements were trimmed down from three to two meetings. At this rate, I can say that, first impressions don’t last.

Time passed and all goes well for the both of us, me and my Pascal kids. We had so many accounts of exultant memoirs from school trips to feast day celebration. From my memorable birthday fête to our cheery lunch together; from Intramurals to subject-related activities to their most awaited Juniors and Seniors Promenade. But they had activities which are worth mentioning but I wasn’t able to be present physically like their recollection and class mass and some activities that my frail body can’t comprehend. Though circumstances may not be at our side at times, I see to it that I make myself available whenever their need for me arises.

Aside from blissful memories, we also had some unanticipated and heartrending state of affairs like the issue on exams and the unwanted attitudes of my children. Some of them are their internal problems regarding this and that which I ought not to mention. Some of them I could lucidly recall and remember while some are not really worth imagining for they may have been submerge to the depths of our history as a family.

Family… is what I have treated my advisory class. I felt that they have been my very own children for the past year that we’ve shared. Though I have been an adviser before, the fold of events this time is way too different from the former one. Establishing a deep and close relationship with them was unexpected. From the year we had cherished I could say that I would want to return to this era over and over again. I will never get tired of being your adviser and seeing you people again even though you had individual differences.

But enough of this history class, let me just take this opportune to say for the last time all the things I wanted to say to my beloved Pascal kids. First, I really would like to apologize for all the short-comings that I have done; for all the things I have failed to do as your adviser, your foster father and as your friend. I would also like to ask for apologies if there were times that I have placed your life in jeopardy, I have judged you, I have mislead you, wronged you and I have despised you as an individual. Deem me; I am really sincere with my apologies.

Second, I would like to thank everyone for all the simple things you have done to me. For making me proud in all the accomplishments you had for the past school year. For sharing me all the small details of your life, for making me part of your life. Thank you also to all the things we have shared though they may be gloomy, irritating, funny and delightful. I really appreciated that. Though sometimes things between us don’t go so well, still we managed to be the best of friends.

In this state right now, I really can’t thank enough. I just wish that God will give us another time to be together again like this as a class or maybe we could stay like this as long as we want to. But the world turns, and every ciao has a corresponding adieu. We need to move forward, face the world as new persons and leave our past memories behind. We all have to be strong and be thankful that once in our merry lives we have met each other, we have shared something that is and will be incomparable to others.

Letting you all go would be one of the toughest things that I need to endure. I know I can’t have a hold to all of you forever, that my role is over and I need to let you all go.Nevertheless, I know, wherever we will be, we will be happy and we would once cherish the moment that we were once a family…a happy Pascal family.

I am so lucky that I was your adviser but I am the luckiest person knowing that you were part of class Pascal 08-09.

Always remember that “mahal na mahal kayo ni siO.paO.”

2009.04.04

My Morning and Evening Struggles

Mornings do not grow any more blissful. As if I am walking in a road of struggle. Making my way out of a line of carcass feelings seemed to be a Herculean task to take. Enduring every single breath of abhorrence, twinge, inferiority and dejection. Yet, I feel no remorse. It’s as if I have been cursed by the gods of wail. An immortal blow it is that they have given me. Though it’s hard to stay serene and living, I still manage to do so… day by day.

You were my confidant and at the same time my poison. With every stare, every smile, every moment, you fill me in and slaughter my inconsistent corruptible emotions. Truly, you had become my sweetest sacrifice. Though I tried to stay away from you, there is no way for me to let go of this addiction.

None could be more confusing when you are standing at the midst of being sincere with what you feel and following the duty-bound laws.But still, you satiate your psyche with folly hallucinations draining your strength and capability to be happy at times when you needed to be. My mind and my heart have been cramped to the mere thought that only you could appease these erratic emotions that sickens me.

Innocently, you know not of my evening and morning struggles. You have no knowledge of my everyday toil for this thing I felt inside. But because I chose to leave things unsaid and undone, inside me it kills me. For I know that’s the right thing for me to do. Maybe, I was just dumbfounded by the way you have treated me. By the way you showed me sweetness and distinctive attention. And I admire you for that. My feeble heart was astonished by the mere sight of you. And I admit there were times that I longed for your presence and because I’m left confused of my feelings towards you, all I can do is to mourn silently.

But day by day, I have ascertained that you’re just one of those innocently sweet persons I would treasure. And I will be forever grateful for knowing you. For being my stanchion out of these melancholic fevers I am in. And sooner or later, what I feel inside towards you, I will get over with it and be the best person I can be for that one true person that is right for me. Still, I will be here for you as the person you knew inside and out.

2009.03.03

Morning After

Morning After

After eleven long months of being in the state of paranoia of erratic emotions here I am again, back to my own little self. These time only me. There’s no you, no them, no we and most especially no US. It’s kinda hard when you have pushed yourself to the limits in order for things to be okay again but everything seems not enough. Not good enough. Things simply crash down without any sign of remorse. Just like the line, “I tried so hard to get this far. But in the end it doesn’t really matter”. At this very moment, I still have this awkward feeling about what happened. Though the event was expected, still I think I’m not ready. I’m not ready because maybe I haven’t said all the things I wish I could have said. But because I’m too naïve to hurt other person’s feelings I wasn’t able to utter them.

Second chance, that’s what we’ve got. But unfortunately for the second time around it failed. I was hoping that this time, things will get better for the both of us because eventually, we have learned from our past mistakes and experiences. I was positive about that for a few months we are in. As the time passes by, things got hard. Then it became very complicated. The usual things we ought to do are going less and sad to say going empty. Patience has been my company during the rough times. To stay calm and just wait maybe because there are things more important than the things I crave for. Waiting was never a Herculean task for me. I’m used to it. Waiting is a good choice if you know that there is something for you at the end of the rainbow. What makes waiting hard is that you won’t know when it will end. Still, I chose to wait a ‘lil bit longer.

I was happy at times. That was very significant for me during those eleven long months. I could still remember them clearly. Those were just small stuffs. Small yet it made me smile and believe that things will be fine and it we’ll stay like this longer. If happy times were clearly significant, I share the same thing to those gloomy moments. Moments that there’s nothing I can do but sit idly, wait again, if it gets me I lie in bed and hope that sleep would save me from tears. During these awful moments I know I’m not the good old naïve person I ought to be. I know and can clearly state that I have been the irritated person I can be. I know those moments well. For I know joviality, misery and annoyance intimately. Especially when you said, “She doesn’t like you” followed by “They don’t like you.” I hope I was strong at that time to reply back nicely, “The hell I care with her. She doesn’t know me. They don’t know me.” But of course, I wasn’t able to do that. For I know if I didn’t contain myself that moment I could have started a riot exposing my uneducated self. Now tell me, did I still retaliate like a monster that you used to say?

Of course all things that I feel have a reason. I act what I feel and I feel what I act. There’s no other person telling me to do this and that. Nor got the things I said from a script of a well-known telenovela. It’s not me and it’s not my style so stop your accusations and your lame excuses. I had heard enough and I will never believe in them. I just can’t believe that the happiest moment I had with you was the one thing that you regretted much. Well, I guess you have been like that from the start. I can’t blame you for that. For the past months we are in, I can say that I haven’t known you that much, only gist and pieces of yourself. I tried to be the best person I can be but I think you demand too much. So I’ll be moving forward. I will drown and get stuck if I stayed any longer.

Since things didn’t get well for the both of us, still I thank you for the effort of finding me again. I would be honest to say that I have waited for that moment. I should be grateful to God for letting you share eleven months of my life may they be significant to be accepted or insignificant to be rejected. It would have been great if we could have stayed a little bit longer to reach a year. Yet things will get harder for the both of us if we didn’t end it earlier than expected. This might have been a good start for us though we parted ways tragically. At this very moment I pray that you’re happy with your life and hope all goes well with the people around you.

Eleven months, that’s what you and I had. It’s too late for us to start pretending. Right now, sorry seems to be the hardest word to utter. Maybe later, I’ll be able to say it but rest assured things will never be forgotten and things will never be the same again for you and me.

“I know we had some good times
It's sad but now we gotta say goodbye
You know I love you, I can't deny
I can't say we didn't try to make it work for you and I
I know it hurts so much but it's best for us
Somewhere along this windy road we lost the trust
So I'll walk away so you don't have to see me cry
It's killing me so, why don't you go

So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life, and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated”

2009.02.03

Nahihilo...Nalilito...Aasa ba ko sa'yo?

Minsan natanong ko sa sarili kung tama pa ba yung ginagawa ko. Eh kasi naman masyado akong masunurin sa mga rules at regulations kahit pa nung bata ako. Alam ko sa sarili ko na I always stand by the rules. Pero minsan nalilito na din ako, kasi minsan hindi ko na alam kung rules pa ba ung sinusunod ko o gawa gawa ko lang.

Nakakalito talaga. Minsan habang papauwi ako sakay ng bus biyaheng Sta. Cruz at nakikinig sa aking mp3 ng mga mellow na music, pakanta kanta, sumaglit sa aking isipan kung talagang dapat ba maghintay pa ko. Maghintay sa ano? Sa sinabi ng isang tao sa akin. Actually, hindi niya un sinabi, pinangako niya un sa akin. Sabi niya kasi pag natapos na daw lahat ng pinagkakaabalahan niya, hindi na daw kami mahihirapan. Mukha namang walang nakakalito dun di ba? Eh hindi pa naman kasi ako tapos.

Ang nakakalito kasi ngayon para sa akin eh kung hihintayin ko pa ba ung araw na yun. Araw na walang kasiguraduhan. Walang definite na date. Mas maganda pa ung mga taong may kamag-anak sa abroad, at least sila alam nila kung kailan aalis o uuwi ung kamag-anak nila, specific ang date pati nga oras. Ako hindi ko alam kung kalian ba yung sinasabi niyang iyon. Pero heto pa din ako naghihintay kahit walang kasiguraduhan. Dati, hindi ako ganito. Hindi ako nagdedesisyon o kumikilos hanggat hindi ako sigurado sa pwedeng mangyari. O kaya naman hanggat hindi ko alam kung kalian talaga magaganap ang isang bagay.

Bakit nga ba naging nakakalito ang paghihintay? Ang totoo hindi ko din alam. Siguro ayoko lang na maiwan siya sa ere, kasi naging mahina ako, kasi hindi ko siya nahintay. Kasi nagmamadali ako. Kasi gusto kong masunod ung ideals ko. Ayoko kasing masisi ako sa huli. Pero mahirap kasing maghintay sa wala. Maghintay ng hindi ka sigurado. Walang assurance sa mga bagay. At ang nakakatakot pa nun, dahil umasa ako sa sinabi niya baka hindi ko matanggap sa huli kung taliwas man ang mangyayari.

Nalilito din ako kung tama pa ba yung ginagawa ko kasi sa totoo lang nahihirapan ako. Kasi kung iisipin mo, kung tama naman yung ginagawa mo, bakit ka mahihirapan? Ang hirap kasi na kalabanin mo ung set of ideals mo. Ung mga bagay na hindi ka sanay o hindi mo nakasanayan eh ginagawa mo. May mga bagay kasi na pwede naman palang gawin bakit hindi ginagawa? Siguro may kanya-kanya lang talagang style ang mga tao. At siguro, dahil masyado akong masunurin sa mga rules at regulations, hindi ko na nabibigyang pansin yung iba pang possibilities. Kaya siguro nagiging mahirap, nagiging nakakalito.

Siguro, habang kaya ko pang magtiis maghihintay pa din ako. Kahit na minsan mahirap talaga. Kahit na minsan naiinis na ako at napapraning. Sana lang sa paghihintay kung ito may mapapala ako. Dahil kung sa wala lang din mapupunta ang aking paghihintay, kung hindi din matutupad yung mga sinabi niya siguro mabuti pang tigilan na ang paglalaro at pagsasayang ng panahon, oras, pagtitiwala, pera, pag-eeffort, at pagmamahal. Hindi din kasi makakabuti para sa atin. Nakakalungkot mang isipin na sa haba ng panahong paghihintay eh mauuwi lang sa wala ang lahat. Parang hindi ko yata kakayanin yung ganon. Pero sana, lagi kong dasal sa Panginoon, na maging maganda ang lahat. Na maging totoo siya sa kanyang mga sinabi at magtagal pa kami. Mwah! ^^v

--lahat ay naging SANA na lang sapagkat tapos na ang lahat. Wala ng dapat pangikalito. Kailangan na lang ituloy ang buhay kahit mahirap. Magsimula uli sa umpisa at MAGHINTAY.--

2008.12.31 (posted)

2009.01.24 (edited)